People Pleasing and Fierce Self-Compassion

Written by Katherine and Tim Bonaldi, In Bloom Psychology

People pleasing is the tendency to seek external approval to feel good about ourselves. Sometimes we might not even be aware that we are people pleasing. If you relate to any of these signs, you may be engaging in people pleasing:

·      Automatically saying yes to requests from others, and then regretting the decision

·      Sacrificing your needs to the point of burnout

·      Realising that many of your major life decisions are not your own

·      Compromising your self-respect to be liked by others

·      Going along with what is expected, rather than what you want

·      Seeking external approval to feel worthy or enough

·      Being overly nice to avoid disagreement or conflict

·      Apologising for things that you weren’t 100% responsible for

·      Agreeing with someone, just to keep the peace

·      Feeling excessively guilty when saying no

·      Adapting your personality to be liked by others, rather than being your authentic self

·      Not knowing who your authentic self is because you are used to adapting to what you think others want

Reasons for people pleasing

People are not born to people please, and this means the role of environmental conditioning can play a big part:

·      A main caregiver may have role-modeled this behaviour

·      You may have been rewarded for being the “good child” or excessively punished for not doing what is expected

·      You may have experienced love that was conditional on acting a certain way

·      You may have been in an abusive or unsafe environment where people pleasing was a way to survive. Maybe it wasn’t safe to be yourself, or disagree at that time

·      You may have only been included in social situations if you conformed to what was expected, and excluded if you embraced your individuality

·      A workplace may have rewarded people who go above and beyond

·      Job security may have been threatened when you attempted to set healthy boundaries in the past

Even though there may have been valid reasons for learning to people please in the past, it may not be serving you now. People pleasing might be a chronic pattern that remains, even though it is safer now to be yourself or set a healthy boundary. Is people pleasing keeping you in unhealthy situations such as toxic workplaces or relationships that do not serve you? If people pleasing is eroding your sense of identity and negatively impacting your physical or emotional well-being, it might be time to consider working on this area.

Tender self-compassion

Tender self-compassion refers to skills of being kind to ourselves in a gentle way to acknowledge our emotions non-judgmentally, recognising our needs and rights and worthiness and self-acceptance. Tender self-compassion can also take the form of validating the pain we have been through that has led to people pleasing. This is an important part of soothing ourselves, however it may not be sufficient for changing people pleasing.

Fierce self-compassion

Fierce self-compassion is the skill of having the courage to stand up for ourselves in a protective way. Fierce is not the same as aggressive. Fierce refers to being bold in having our own backs. This may involve practically setting healthy boundaries at work, in relationships or even with ourselves in order to protect our emotional or physical health. It can also involve assertively and respectfully asking for what we need or prefer. People may notice that fierce self-compassion can feel empowering, especially when we start small and slowly. For relationships and situations that are healthy, it will strengthen them. For relationships and situations that are unhealthy, it may test them. This can be a necessary part of becoming your best self and feeling whole.

If you can relate to people pleasing tendencies holding you back or want to explore fierce self-compassion, this is a particular interest area for Katherine and Tim Bonaldi, who use a combination of CBT, ACT, Schema therapy and Compassion Focused Therapy. If this resonates for you, please contact us.

References:

Kristen Neff: https://self-compassion.org/blog/what-is-fierce-self-compassion/

Jeff Young & Janet Klosko - Re-inventing your Life.