Attachment styles: How to Develop Secure Attachment

Written by Katherine and Tim Bonaldi, In Bloom Psychology

Healthy relationships can add to one’s life, be a source of joy, and a buffer for stress. If you notice that relationships in general tend to be a source of pain, this may indicate an issue with attachment or relating.

·      Do you find it hard to connect in relationships despite a strong desire to feel close?

·      Do you fear abandonment even in healthy connections?

·      Do you doubt your capacity to be loved or love yourself?

·      Do you put up walls and fear intimacy?

·      Do you sabotage connections when things are going well?

If these have been long standing patterns for most of your life, it may reflect an unhelpful attachment style that is holding you back.   

The 4 main styles of attachment: What do you relate to most?

Secure attachment:

You generally feel secure or confident in yourself and in relating to others. Your self-worth does not depend on how others treat you. You honour your own self-worth and confidently express your feelings and needs when triggered. You trust your instincts when relating. You may feel confident to take healthy risks and set healthy boundaries when necessary. This is a healthy attachment style.

Anxious-ambivalent attachment:

You desire connection strongly, but are fearful of abandonment at the same time. You may have a tendency to doubt your worth or your relationships in general. You may find it hard to express your feelings and needs. You can people please, and as a result you may lose your identity in relationships. You may seek excessive reassurance or approval to feel more secure. However, this never feels enough.

Avoidant attachment:

You tend to prefer your own company to the point of shutting out support or love. You may have built walls around you emotionally due to a fear of intimacy. You may be overly self-sufficient or independent and find it difficult to express your feelings or needs openly. You may be overly critical or cynical about relationships in general. You may prefer superficial small talk or casual sex over deeper emotional intimacy. You may feel overly anxious and avoidant when connections start to feel too real.

Disorganized attachment:

You may be in a chronic state of inner conflict between wanting to connect and keeping others at a distance. You open and shut the door to relationships. You may find it hard to trust a connection enough to remain engaged.

How do attachment styles develop? The impact of life experience or trauma

Secure attachment:

If you had an upbringing with your parents or carers that was safe and consistent with unconditional love, you may be more likely to feel secure as an adult. Maybe your caregivers were emotionally available, practically supportive and trustworthy. You might have experienced positive and healthy connections with siblings or peers. This provides a secure base to feel confident about relating later in life.

Anxious-ambivalent attachment:

You are more likely to have an anxious-ambivalent attachment if you had carers that were inconsistent in care giving. Inconsistency can come in different forms. It might be that a caregiver said one thing and did another. It might be that a caregiver was emotionally available and supportive at times, and then dismissive or detached. Another common theme may be that a parent was loving, but expected a child to take a parenting or carer role (parentification). In peer relationships, maybe siblings or friends were also inconsistent and unreliable. This can lead to an internal fear and insecurity regarding relationships.

Avoidant attachment:

If you had caregivers who were emotionally withdrawn, rejecting or dismissive of needs or problems, this can lead to an experience of emotional neglect. Maybe peer relationships were also superficial or invalidating. Emotional neglect can lead to people feeling like they have to rely on themselves to survive, and this can become a defence against the risk of being vulnerable and let down again.

Disorganised attachment:

If you lacked safety from caregivers, you are more likely to experience a disorganized attachment. A lack of safety may come in the form of emotional abuse, physical or sexual abuse, or being raised in a chaotic or unpredictable environment. Maybe you also experienced a lack of safety with siblings or peers in the form of bullying or abuse. You may want to be open to connecting, but never fully trust it is safe to do so.

Tips to strengthen secure attachment

If you have noticed signs of an attachment style holding you back from thriving, it is possible to create a more secure attachment style in terms of feeling confident in yourself and relating. In therapy you may learn how to feel safe enough to:

·      Know and express your feelings and needs in relationships

·      Explore what makes a healthy relationship

·      Learn how to self-regulate when triggered and co-regulate with others

·      Heal core wounds contributing to unhelpful attachment styles

·      Learn how to set healthy boundaries and take healthy risks

·      Act from a place of self-worth and security, verses insecurity or past pain

If you are interested in seeking support to understand your attachment style or develop secure attachment, please contact Katherine Bonaldi or Tim Bonaldi, at In Bloom Psychology for targeted Schema therapy.

Reference:

Diane Poole Heller: https://traumasolutions.com/four-attachment-style-types/